As a follow up to the June 10, 2009 post titled “Dealing with Teen Anger”, I thought many would find this article written by Mark Gregston, author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which is located in East Texas. The article offers some wonderful counsel on the importance that freedom can play in developing maturity and wise decision making in your teenage children. I hope you find it as helpful and meaningful as I did.
Teens develop in maturity by doing, seeing, and experiencing. They crave freedom and they want to show the adults in their life that they are fully prepared to make their own decisions. They want to have some sense of control over what they do, where they go, how they look, and who they choose to be their friends.
But some parents want to prevent their teen from making mistakes at all costs (especially the same kind of mistakes they made when they were a teenager), so they apply more and more controls on their teen and hover over them. This excessive sheltering can lead the teen to a life of sneakiness (doing what they want to do behind the parent’s back), frustration, anger, and eventually rebellion.
I can hear parents everywhere asking, “Isn’t this the time in their life when we need to rein them in? This culture is horrible!” I agree. In fact, it is precisely because the culture is so difficult that it is important for Christian parents to prepare their teen by helping them develop discernment. An overprotective parent accomplishes just the opposite, and the bud of discernment never develops into full-bloom.
I’m not recommending suddenly becoming an overly permissive parent. You can never just cast your concerns about your teen to the wind, nor let them make foolish decisions again and again. Instead, I am talking about looking for ways to help your teen develop discernment through expanding their freedom and through learning responsibility.
The best way to offer freedom is to couple it with responsibility. For instance, a sense of freedom can come from having a responsible job. To have some hours away from home, to make some money, and to think on their own, will give them more freedom while still being responsible to a boss. On the other hand, an unwise freedom is to allow your teen more time to simply hang out with his buddies at all hours, aimlessly thinking up the trouble they can get into.
From my years of training horses I have learned to let the rope out a little at a time. I loosen the reins as the horse and I develop more trust in one another. There is a big difference between letting out the rope a little, and letting the horse out of the corral. Likewise, when I talk about giving your teen more freedom, you still need to maintain the “fences” or boundaries, but gradually loosen the reins so your teen has more freedom to operate within those boundaries.
I admit, it takes a leap of faith to get both you and your teen to the next level. However, finding a way to give your teen more freedom allows them to develop in maturity, before they become an adult and leave home altogether. A wise parent will see a teen’s need for more freedom and find a way to give it them before they ever ask for or demand it, and even if they are still reticent to experience it. So, look ahead, and develop a test of their mettle that is age-appropriate. Explain the boundaries, rules, and consequences in advance, and then let them go.
Will they fail? Of course they will! They’ll make mistakes — and when they do, your job is to apply consequences so they learn from those mistakes. Expect failure, and plan for how to address it.
• Don’t shame them when they fail. We all fail.
• Don’t purposely put them in situations where you know they’ll fail.
• Don’t let your fears keep you from allowing your teen to try appropriate things.
• Don’t fix the messes they make or lessen the consequences.
• Don’t resort to, “I told you so,” or, “I should never have trusted you,” statements.
I love Chuck Swindoll’s definition of failure. He said, “Failure is the backdoor to success.” No parent wants their child to fail on purpose, but there are times when failure really helps a teen learn to be more discerning. As for me, I have been more blessed and learned more from the failures of my life than from the successes.
On the other hand, when a teen doesn’t fail, reward them! Give them some positive feedback and reasons to continue making right choices. Thank them for thinking it through and coming to the right conclusion. Use their good decisions as an opportunity to give them more freedoms and therefore, more opportunities to make right choices.
You’ll provide your teen with the strength and discernment they need later in life by spending less time sheltering and hovering, and more time helping them learn important lessons on their own. Appropriate freedom along with responsibility can be the catalyst to develop discernment and maturity in your teen.
Ultimately, you’ll have to put your teen in God’s hands. He loves and wants to protect your teen as much as you do. So pray, trust God to direct your child’s path, and believe that He will make all things work toward His higher good. Pray for your teen’s protection, for the right people to come into his life, and for the lessons he’ll learn as he begins to experience more freedom.
And, remember…the bible says “Train up a child in the way he should go,Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Tags: Be Happy, Conflict Resolution, Family Relationships, Happy Family, Happy Home, Happy Life, Happy Relationship, Life Trials, Parenting Teens, Raising Kids, Raising Teens, Rebellious Teens, Relationships, Teenage Boundries, Teenage Ruless, Teens
Good thoughts on helping teens develop!
“and when they do, your job is to apply consequences so they learn from those mistakes. Expect failure, and plan for how to address it.”
Perhaps it is b/c your comment comes from a man’s perspective (which is perfectly fine!) but in addition to the consistant “consequences” you mention in your opinion (traditionally a paternal response) I would also add that there needs to be acceptance, support, and encouragement too! (more a maternal response).
Your teen will certainly benefit from consistancy and from consequences when these are appropriate (actually not enough of either of these are given out today) but what can be said about the love and support that also comes from a parent who is still right there beside them when they fail? A parent who is still there to encourage them and to offer a big shoulder, a reassuring smile, a DQ treat or even a joke (if appropriate) regardless of what may have just happened?
Although I agree one should never set up a child for failure for the simple sake of watching them fail (and then rubbing it in) I would also say that a wise and loving parent would look ahead for situations that he/she knows will be very difficult for their child and very likely result in failure or loss. Why? Because it’s an opportunity for them to fail while still under YOUR supervison! While they can still learn from you and still benefit from your wisdom and support.
In addition to all the opportunites for success (which we ALL need for confidence, among other things) we also need to experience those inevitable times of loss and defeat. But not alone if possible! Rather, with someone who we know is going to love us anyway-no matter what! With someone who will be there right beside us for all the ups AND the downs and still love us afterwards and hopefully who will MODEL for us, how to handle the loss, rejection, and the defeat!
A good parent (no, actually a GREAT parent) will also model how to be a good sport, how to be brave, how to be noble, humble, optimistic in the face of adversity, loss, failure! How will a teen EVER learn these character building qualities which require strength and moral fortitude, unless learned from a loving parent? I think not enough parents look at the opportunites available when their child is crushed by rejection or loss! These are wonderful opportunites to teach them and to model for them! More importantly, to reinforce that they are loved regardless of their behaviors/actions/choices. They NEED examples of how to handle these difficult situations. To remind them of what Christ would do or what another biblical person did! To even explain that God is simply purifying their impurities with a little heat so that when he’s finished, they will shine like pure gold! (so THAT’s why it hurts SO bad, huh?)
What an awesome opportunity to show them how to bounce back from adversity, with dignity, and grace! With faith and optimism! With courage and sheer persistance! Any parent who shys away from these “tough times” and does not use these life lessons to teach their teens to learn to cope with these tough situations (that will likely ALWAYS be apart of their lives) does their teen a great DIS-SERVICE as a parent and as a steward of God’s chosen son/daughter.
So I agree that we should always hope for the best and plan for the worst…
But when planning AHEAD for the worst (and you really should!) in addition to the difficult task of handing out any consequences, remember to soften the same blow with love and acceptance regardless of the outcome! What’s even MORE important than winning or losing, is knowing that special someone will always be there to love you regardless of your performance/behavior. No matter what!
Just ask the prodigal son!