-Faey

“Anger acts like a warning light on your car’s dashboard—if
you attend to it promptly you’re more likely to get where
you want to go. Remember, when dealing with anger the goal
is not just to “turn off the red light.” Anger can be a wonderful
wake-up call to help you understand what you need and what
you value. Like warning lights and gauges, your emotions and
the physical sensations in your body are there to help you
understand which of your needs are being met or are not being
met.”

From: What’s Making You Angry: 10 Steps to Transforming Anger So Everyone Wins
by Shari Klein and Neill Gibson

“and when they do, your job is to apply consequences so they learn from those mistakes. Expect failure, and plan for how to address it.”

Perhaps it is b/c your comment comes from a man’s perspective (which is perfectly fine!) but in addition to the consistant “consequences” you mention in your opinion (traditionally a paternal response) I would also add that there needs to be acceptance, support, and encouragement too! (more a maternal response).

Your teen will certainly benefit from consistancy and from consequences when these are appropriate (actually not enough of either of these are given out today) but what can be said about the love and support that also comes from a parent who is still right there beside them when they fail? A parent who is still there to encourage them and to offer a big shoulder, a reassuring smile, a DQ treat or even a joke (if appropriate) regardless of what may have just happened?

Although I agree one should never set up a child for failure for the simple sake of watching them fail (and then rubbing it in) I would also say that a wise and loving parent would look ahead for situations that he/she knows will be very difficult for their child and very likely result in failure or loss. Why? Because it’s an opportunity for them to fail while still under YOUR supervison! While they can still learn from you and still benefit from your wisdom and support.

In addition to all the opportunites for success (which we ALL need for confidence, among other things) we also need to experience those inevitable times of loss and defeat. But not alone if possible! Rather, with someone who we know is going to love us anyway-no matter what! With someone who will be there right beside us for all the ups AND the downs and still love us afterwards and hopefully who will MODEL for us, how to handle the loss, rejection, and the defeat!

A good parent (no, actually a GREAT parent) will also model how to be a good sport, how to be brave, how to be noble, humble, optimistic in the face of adversity, loss, failure! How will a teen EVER learn these character building qualities which require strength and moral fortitude, unless learned from a loving parent? I think not enough parents look at the opportunites available when their child is crushed by rejection or loss! These are wonderful opportunites to teach them and to model for them! More importantly, to reinforce that they are loved regardless of their behaviors/actions/choices. They NEED examples of how to handle these difficult situations. To remind them of what Christ would do or what another biblical person did! To even explain that God is simply purifying their impurities with a little heat so that when he’s finished, they will shine like pure gold! (so THAT’s why it hurts SO bad, huh?)

What an awesome opportunity to show them how to bounce back from adversity, with dignity, and grace! With faith and optimism! With courage and sheer persistance! Any parent who shys away from these “tough times” and does not use these life lessons to teach their teens to learn to cope with these tough situations (that will likely ALWAYS be apart of their lives) does their teen a great DIS-SERVICE as a parent and as a steward of God’s chosen son/daughter.

So I agree that we should always hope for the best and plan for the worst…
But when planning AHEAD for the worst (and you really should!) in addition to the difficult task of handing out any consequences, remember to soften the same blow with love and acceptance regardless of the outcome! What’s even MORE important than winning or losing, is knowing that special someone will always be there to love you regardless of your performance/behavior. No matter what!

Just ask the prodigal son!